Choose IKEA For Your Comprehensive Funeral Solutions
We at IKEA are so sad to hear about your grandmother’s passing. You loved that old woman and want her sendoff to be a memorable event. But at the same time, you don't want to spend a fortune on it. Let’s be honest: grandma was a penny pinching spendthrift. What better way to honor her legacy than with a cost conscious, environmentally friendly funeral?
With great deals on furniture and home accessories, IKEA has always been your go-to store for the important things in life. Now we’re doing the same for death. Read on to learn about our comprehensive offering.
Let’s start with the Begravning (burial). While throwing granny directly into the grave is the most economical option, most of our customers prefer a storage unit. Our patent pending Fjordsleep Casket (1) has you covered. With just 32 screws (assuming none are missing) and 53 picture-illustrated assembly steps, a few hours and an allen key are all you need. Our DIY coffin comes in flat, sustainable packaging and includes adjustable shelves for her jewelry, hats, and pills. The wood is biodegradable and absorbs CO2 from the dirt. Grandma will be healing the planet from the grave!
Your burial area will be covered with our award-winning FEJKA artificial flowers. They last forever, but If you don’t want to keep them for future tragedies, we'll buy them back for half price.
Included in the burial package are Viking-attired pallbearers Sven and Freja, who bench 200 kilos and perform daily Nordic Track workouts.
Let’s face it: grandma isn’t walking to the cemetery, and you want her driven there safely and affordably. Your included Dödvagn (hearse) is a retrofitted Volvo station wagon with extra paneling to achieve an unmatched safety rating. Even in a head-on collision with a runaway robotaxi, her body will be no worse off than when she was loaded.
We sure hope grandma was a Muppets fan, because our included minister Bjorn is a dead ringer for the Swedish Chef. Bjorn can handle any religion - whether the prayers are in Latin, Hebrew, Greek or Arabic, Bjorn has you covered since his speech is indecipherable.
In case of thunderstorms, all mourners are covered by Sweden's famed social safety net. Please keep in mind there is no physical net. People will still get wet, but if they catch pneumonia, the antibiotics are free.(2)
The Sorgfest (reception) is, naturally, held at an IKEA warehouse.(3) All guests will ascend to the top floor and work their way down, following the light-projected arrows through the furniture displays to the cafeteria.
Check out these unforgettable reception benefits:
The all-sheep ABBA cover band “BAAA” will bleat out grandma's 70s pop favorites.
Hors d'oeuvres: Swedish meatballs.
Vegetarian option: Hungersnöd (starvation).
Open bar: free flowing Absolut vodka will let your loved ones drown their sorrows in three citrus flavors.(4)
Finally, once the old lady is resting comfortably in her grave, you can communicate with her courtesy of our NordicMyst Ouija Board, 20% off online with promo code OUIJASAVE20.
Notes:
IKEA’s one year return policy is not valid for caskets, and the product warranty is voided when the Viking funeral option is selected.
If the antibiotics fail, additional coffins for your guests are 30% off.
In the event that grandma can’t be buried right away, her body can be stored in our warehouse for a small daily fee. If her looks are worth preserving, try our Malmo Embalmo skin coating made from congealed meatball sauce.
In the unlikely event that Bjorn and Freja drink too many liters and go on a rampage, rest assured that any impaled guests will develop Stockholm Syndrome and blame themselves.