Eight Creative Hacks to Achieve Substack Superstardom

Like this post, or I'll hack your fridge!

Disappointed with your Substack engagement? Feels like you’re screaming into the void? Try the following market-proven strategies to make your newsletter go viral. (Note: the projected subscriber counts are the averaged hallucinations of six leading AI models.)

1. Write what you are passionate about

Write what you know. Write what you love. Readers crave authentic voices. Post about your lived experience, and your audience will find you.

Projected subscribers: 6

2. Threaten to start a podcast

Apparently, the audience for posts about the sexual frustrations of your pet turtle is limited. Despair not. There’s a way to get subscribers to a topic they don’t care about: threaten a podcast about it. Everyone is sick of podcasts, and you can leverage this fatigue by promising not to launch yours in exchange for subscribing to a newsletter that will go to their Spam folder anyway. Sample post: “If I don’t hit 10K subs by Friday, the podcast “Reptile Dysfunction: Rocky’s Rough Road” will drop on Spotify.

Projected subscribers: 42

3. Stage your own cancellation and redemption

Okay, your numbers are still underwhelming, and now you also have an unpopular podcast. Stir up some controversy by posting a hot take. Example: “I don’t think dolphins should be allowed on the women’s swim team”. Then sit back and wait for the haters to find it and crucify you. Announce that you’re taking a break to work on yourself, and change your profile photo to a black box. Two days later announce that you’re back and using your Substack to document your post-cancellation journey. Post a video with Rocky by your side. Make sure to mention your speaking engagement availability.

Projected subscribers: 360

4. Open a Ketamine treatment clinic

While you're grateful for the few hundred subscribers tuned in to your and Rocky’s rehabilitation, you know you can do better. While not technically “legal”, an unlicensed Ketamine clinic can take up to 6 months for the DEA to find and shut down, which is ample time to boost your subscriptions to a new “high”.

Execution is key here. Make sure to label the ketamine spray bottle with your Substack’s QR code, and play your victims (sorry, “patients”) audio clips of Rocky’s greatest hits while they’re in the throes of dissociation. Ketamine increases the plasticity of your patients’ prefrontal cortex, which is just a neuroscience-y way of saying they're easier to manipulate. As a bonus, tell them your short-form notes are a form of micro-dosing.

Projected subscribers: 1969

5. Start a cult

You and Rocky have hit the four digit club. Mazel Tov! But hitting your next milestone will require a more, shall we say, religious effort. Starting a cult is a proven way to boost engagement, especially if your Substack URL is emblazoned on your followers’ mandatory robes.

While reading full prose paragraphs has gone out of fashion, interest in alternative belief systems is peaking. This is especially true for people who aren’t getting laid. So instead of a newsletter, think of your Substack as a sex-help gospel delivered in weekly sermons. Rocky can be an inspiration to your incel followers who use too much of their reptilian brain.

Projected subscribers: 5785

6. Get a job at ICE

Let’s face it: you’ve done some morally questionable things to join the 5K club, so taking a job at an immigrant detention center isn’t too big of a leap. This can give you the captive audience your Substack needs. And you can reassure yourself that you’re one of the good ones, since you’ll be helping the detainees avoid deportation. As long as they stay subscribed to your Substack, obviously.

Projected subscribers: 64,000. (Note: if a lot of people choose Guantanamo over your Substack, that could be your cue to quit writing and spend more time with your cult.)

7. Send a phishing email about a 23AndMe data breach

At this point, you’re stretched pretty thin between your newsletter, podcast, drug clinic, cult and ICE job. It’s time to scale. Customers of the defunct DNA company are justifiably concerned about the safety of their genetic data, and many of them will eagerly click on a link purporting to offer premium data protection that is actually your Substack landing page.

Projected subscribers: 127,001

8. Hack smart fridges and turn them into subscribers

Let’s face it, subscription is a numbers game. The algorithm neither knows nor cares who your subscribers are or if they are even human. So quit fussing over people and get smart. The world is filled with internet-connected smart appliances with default passwords and out-of-date firmware, just waiting to be reprogrammed and given a side hustle as your subscriber. With a little Javascript coding, you can even make a fridge engage with your posts. Example comment: “Cabin temperature 34F. Get Rocky a girl!”

Projected subscribers: 3-6 million, depending on the manufacturer.