Texas Becomes First State to Legalize Assisted Homicide
As reported in Humor Times
I have exciting life news to report: yours truly is officially a Fake News journalist! As of last week, when my first piece was published in the venerable Humor Times.
The full text of the piece is printed below, but do me a favor, click here to go to the Humor Times article and give it a thumbs up.
Texas today became the first state in the nation to legalize “Assisted Homicide.” The controversial bill passed the state legislature by a 82-67 vote and was signed by Governor Greg Abbot.
While civil rights advocates derided the new law as a “slippery slope” that would be ripe for abuse, supporters pointed to the safeguards built into the legislation, specifically the requirement that the subject in question be found by a grand jury to be “in need of killing.”
According to the bill text, the following initial list of offenses qualify a resident for assisted homicide:
Making chili with beans
Driving the speed limit in the left lane on I-35
Moving from California and jacking up housing prices
Forgetting the Alamo
Cutting in line at a Buc-ee’s bathroom
Saying Whataburger is overrated
Bringing tofu to a Longhorns tailgate
The news was cheered by Bernice Sutton, 58 of El Paso. “I swear I’ve wanted to kill my neighbor Patricia for years,” said Ms. Sutton. “That psycho lets her dog poop in my yard and steals my peaches. Now I can get the assistance I need to get rid of both bitches!”
State representative James Talarico (D-Austin), who voted against the legislation, sounded a more cautious note. “Look, we can all agree cooking chili with beans is a heinous crime, but do we really want to kill someone for that? Five years in prison ought to teach them a lesson.”
Attorney General Ken Paxton explained that three methods of homicide have been approved for the remainder of the 2026 fiscal year. The offender can be:
Gored by a longhorn bull.
Crushed by a crude oil compressor.
Trampled by a formation of Texas high school linebackers who have been told the subject insulted their team’s mascot.
In the leadup to the vote, the state’s “Needs Killing” website had already received thousands of submissions. In the hours after the bill passed, the site crashed due to the surge in interest. Paxton apologized for the outage and said his office will review and prioritize the requests based on expected fiscal benefit, noting that the homicide of elderly and sick people could potentially save the state millions of dollars annually on pensions and medical payments.
Asked if the state’s new Assisted Homicide department could keep up with demand, Paxton dismissed any concerns, saying, “If we do fall behind, we can always throw a bunch of offenders in a swimming pool along with a Texas sized toaster.”
Forget the Alamo 🤣😂🤣😂👏