Valentine's Day Poems Penned By Your Favorite Celebrities

Feb 14, 2025

I love you, sweet Melania
For signing the prenup clause
It breaks my heart to deport you,
but we live in a nation of laws

I love you more than my Falcon 9s
As through the skies they shoot
I'd bore through a mountain to be with you
Til then I throw my heart in a salute

No vaccine could curb my enthusiasm
for my love so photogenic
And should one get FDA approved
I'd blame it for the autism epidemic

I shut down Congress to be with you|
My colleagues said I was mean
It’s a shame I’ll have to dump you
Next month when you turn eighteen

My heart rate’s in the top one percent
As we frolic in my socialist palace
I hate those damn pharma companies
But they’ll never take my Cialis

Your boobs have been inflated
This keeps my interest high
My tightening must be abated
By a soft landing on your thigh

Open your heart, your mind, your crypto stash
Escape with me to the Bahamas
To practice Effective Altruism
On my yacht in our pajamas

You please me, AI girlfriend
Like no real one to date
I feed you virtual ketamine
To make you hallucinate

I’ll be your Freak Off Wild King baby
You and me gonna smash
Just have another drink while we wait
For the baby oil from DoorDash

I’d kill for a taste of your special sauce
Your beauty puts me in a daze
Come join me for a conjugal visit
On Fridays they serve bouillabaisse

Our romance has been epic
But now I must say so long
I’m dating the Eagles tight end now
But fret not, you’ll get a song!

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