Woke Nursery Rhymes

Mary Had a Little Lamb

But then she remembered the PETA documentary about the Meat industrial Complex, went back to the buffet line and got the Vegetarian Tikka Masala instead.

London Bridge is Falling Down

And frankly, this is Exhibit A for why we need a massive infrastructure spending bill, which will include both physical and human infrastructure spending and create thousands of unionized jobs that pay at least $15 per hour.

Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed

Obviously, each monkey should have his own bed, but because their neighborhood has no rent control, they were forced to share an overpriced one bedroom apartment owned by a greedy landlord.

Jack and Jill Went Up The Hill to Fetch a Pail of Water

Jack started mansplaining groundwater hydrodynamics to Jill, who ran down the hill recoiling from his toxic masculinity. She posted her experience on social media, where Jack was mercilessly shamed and ultimately fired from his product marketing job.

Humpty Dumpty Sat on a Wall

Then a cop tased him, causing him to have a big fall.  The cops left Humpty laying on the street for hours before paramedics arrived and tried unsuccessfully to put him back together.  No body cam footage was ever released.  Brown Eggs Matter.

Itsy Bitsy Spider Went Up the Water Spout

While that may sound dangerous, the spider knew that the region is afflicted by a years-long climate-induced drought caused by the humans’ insatiable thirst for burning fossil fuels.

Baa Baa Black Sheep, Have You Any Wool?

Yes, it’s $4 a bag, cash only.  And kindly leave my race out of it.  Do you address Fred over there as “White Sheep?”  I thought not.

This Little Piggy Went to Market

Where she realized that capitalism is a tool of the white supremacist patriarchy, so she took the municipal bus to the coop across town where prices are regulated to prevent gouging and exploitation.

If You’re Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands

For those of you who clapped, how nice it must be to come from such privilege!  But how sad that you feel no shame about oppressing the other kids here, who in case you haven’t noticed are NOT clapping!